Between
Men and Women
King Arthur's Problem
King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring
kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's
youth and ideals. So the monarch offered him freedom, as long as
he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year
to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer,
he would be put to death.
The question: What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man,
and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it
was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to
have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began
to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the
wise men, and the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one
could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch - only she would
know the answer. The price would be high; the witch was famous throughout
the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. Finally, the
last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to
talk to the witch.
She agreed to answer the question, but he had to accept her price
first. The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most notable of
the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young
Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and hideous, only one
tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises...etc. He had never
encountered such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend
to marry her and have to endure such a burden.
Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told
him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life
and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was
proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth
and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was. The neighboring
monarch granted Arthur total freedom.
What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between
relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous.
The old witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made
everyone very uncomfortable.
The fateful hour approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific
experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him!
The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him! The astounded
Gawain asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she'd
appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible, deformed
self half the time, and the other half, she would be her beautiful
maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day, and which
during the night? What a cruel question! Gawain pondered his predicament.
During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but
at night, in the privacy of his home, an old witch? Or would he
prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman
with whom to enjoy many intimate moments? What would you do?
(Pause awhile and do not read on until you have made your own
choice).
Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all
the time, because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge
of her own life. What is the moral of this story?
The moral is: If a woman doesn't get her own way, things get ugly.
GIRLS NIGHT OUT
Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, but had been
decidedly over-enthusiastic on beer. Incredibly drunk and walking
home they needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one
of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or
something.
Neither of them had anything to wipe with so one thought
she'd take off her panties and use them, then throw them away. Her
friend however was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and
didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to salvage a large
ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded
to wipe herself with that. They then made off for home.
The next day one woman's husband phoned the other husband and said
"These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came
home last night without her panties" "That's nothing"
said the other "Mine came back with a card stuck between the
cheeks of her butt that said 'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you'."
ED ZACHARY DISEASE
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had
a date or sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something
wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of
a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see the well-known
Chinese sex therapist, Doctor Chang. So she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK,
take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now,
get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room."
Again the woman did as she was told. Dr. Chang then said, "OK,
now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said. Your probrem vewy
bad. You haf Ed Zachary disease, Worse case I ever see. Dat why
you not haf sex or dates."
Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "OH my God, Dr. Chang,
what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied: "Ed Zachary Disease
is when your face look ed zachary like your butt."
WHAT EVERY WOMAN WANTS
He-mote Control
EXAMINATION
A three year old boy in his bath examined his testicles and asked,
"Mommy, are these my brains?" Mom said, "Not yet,
honey."
SNAGGED!
DINNER CONVERSATION GONE WRONG...
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married
again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?"
HUSBAND: "I guess so."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - - silence - - -
HUSBAND: "Shit."
VANITY
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed.
The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a
hard look at herself. "You know, dear," she says, "I
look in the mirror, and I see an old woman.
My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, and
my butt is hanging out a mile.
I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby."
She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive
to make me feel better about myself."
He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in
a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, ... there's nothing wrong
with your eyesight."
Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30
at St. Anselm's Memorial Chapel. Female friends of the family are
invited.
CALLING IN SICK
Employee: "I'm sorry boss, but I can't come in today. My doctor
says I'm suffering from Anal Glaucoma."
Boss: "Anal Glaucoma??? What the hell is that?"
Employee: "Well basically, for the next few days, I just can't
see my ass coming in to work."
MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER
Why Men Are Just Happier People - What do you expect from such
simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because
this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a
bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress - $5000. Tux rental - $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood-all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in
25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier! |
