Law and Politics
Actual Court Transcript
Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little old Woman: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own
words, what happened to you?
Little old Woman: There I was, sitting there in
my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young
man comes
creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done
that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing
made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in
years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy
that I just laid down
and said to him..."Take me...young man...Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April
Fool!" And that's
when I shot the little bastard!!!!
MAKES SENSE
A young teenage girl was about to finish her first year of college.
She considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, but her father
was a rather staunch Republican.
One day, she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his
opposition to taxes and welfare programs. He stopped her and asked
her how she was doing in school. She answered that she had a 4.0
GPA but it was really tough. She had to study all the time, never
having time to go out and party. She didn't have time for a boyfriend
and didn't really have many college friends because of spending
all her time studying.
He asked, "How is your friend Mary?"
His daughter replied that Mary was barely getting by. She had a
2.0 GPA, never studied, but was very popular on campus, going to
all the parties all the time. Which was why she often didn't show
up for classes ... because she was hung over.
Dad then asked his daughter why she didn't go to the Dean's office
and ask why she couldn't take 1.0 off her 4.0 and give it to her
friend who only had a 2.0. That way they would both have a 3.0 GPA.
The daughter angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair, Dad!
I worked really hard for mine and Mary has done nothing!"
The father slowly smiled and said, "Welcome to the Republican
Party, honey."
PROFOUND STATEMENTS
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.
But I repeat myself. --Mark Twain
We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity
is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up
by the handle. --Winston Churchill
A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on
the support of Paul. --George Bernard Shaw
A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man,
which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -- G. Gordon
Liddy
Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting
on what to have for dinner. --James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and
car keys to teenage boys. --P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors
to live at the expense of everybody else. --Frederic Bastiat, French
Economist (1801-1850)
Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short
phrases. If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And
if it stops moving, subsidize it. -- Ronald Reagan (1986)
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the
facts. --Will Rogers
If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what
it costs when it's free. --P.J. O'Rourke
If you want government to intervene domestically, you're a liberal.
If you want government to intervene overseas, you're a conservative.
If you want government to intervene everywhere, you're a moderate.
If you don't want government to intervene anywhere, you're an extremist.
--Joseph Sobran, Editor of the National Review at one time (1995)
In general, the art of government consists in taking as much money
as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
--Voltaire (1764)
Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean
politics won't take an interest in you. --Pericles (430 B.C.)
No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature
is in
session. --Mark Twain (1866)
Talk is cheap-except when Congress does it. (Unknown)
The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy
appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. --Ronald
Reagan
The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings.
The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
-Winston Churchill
The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that
the
taxidermist leaves the skin. --Mark Twain
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly
is to fill
the world with fools. --Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (182
0-1903)
There is no distinctly Native American criminal class save Congress.
--Mark Twain
There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn
well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty
to take the consequences. --P.J. O'Rourke (1993)
What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. -- Edward
Langley, Artist 1928-1995
When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first
things to be bought and sold are legislators.
GOTTA LOVE THE BRITS
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and
explore the city on his own.
He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping
at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads,
and have a pint of Guinness.
After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood....
big, stately residences ... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants,
and worst of all.... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
He really, has to go, after all that Guinness. He finds a narrow
side
street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides
to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie,
who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you
know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but
I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie..."Just follow me."
He leads him to a back "delivery alley," then along a
wall to a gate, which he opens.
"In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away, ... anywhere
you want."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden
he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured
hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the cop's blessing, he zips down and unburdens himself
and is greatly relieved.
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie "That
was really decent of you ... is that "British Hospitality ?"
"No" replied the Bobbie, with a satisfied smile on his
face, "that is the French Embassy."
Captured By Cannibals
Dan Rather, Jesse Jackson, Cokie Roberts, and an American Marine
were hiking through the jungle one day when they were captured by
cannibals. They were tied up, led to the village and brought before
the chief
The chief said, "I am familiar with your western custom of
granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and eat you,
do you have any last requests?"
Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last
bowl full of hot, spicy chili." The chief nodded to an underling,
who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said,
"Now I can die content."
Jesse Jackson said, "You know, the thing in this life I am
proudest of is my work on behalf of the poor and oppressed. So before
I go, I want to sing 'We Shall Overcome' one last time." The
chief said, "Go right ahead, we're listening." Jackson
sang the song, and then said, "Now I can die in peace."
Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to
take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's
about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that
I was on the job until the end." The chief directed an aide
to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts dictated some comments.
She then said, "Now I can die happy."
The chief turned, "And now, Mr. Marine, what is your final
wish?"
"Kick me in the butt," said the Marine. "What?"
said the chief. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"
"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt,"
he insisted. So the chief shoved him into the open, and kicked him
in the butt.
The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9
mm pistol from his waistband, and shot the chief dead. In the resulting
confusion, he grabbed his knapsack, pulled out his M-16, and sprayed
the cannibals with gunfire. In a flash, the cannibals were dead
or fleeing for their lives.
As the Marine was untying the others, they asked him, "Why
didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in
the butt?" "What!?" said the Marine, "And have
you liberal wimps call ME the aggressor?
NEWS FLASH: FRANCE UPGRADES ITS TERROR ALERT !!!
In light of the Madrid bombing, France has raised their terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide."
The only two higher alert levels in France are "Surrender"
and
"Collaborate."
THE GREATEST BUMPER STICKER EVER
POLITICIANS & DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED,
FOR THE SAME REASON!
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