Sayings
SIGNS
Friends don't let friends take home ugly men
Women's restroom Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE
Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC
Remember, it's not, "How high are you?"
it's "Hi, how are you?"
Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired
of putting up with her shit.
Men's Room Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, AZ
Make love, not war. -Hell, do both. GET MARRIED!
Women's restroom The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
Revolution Books New York, New York.
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
Congress!
Men's restroom House of Representatives, Washington, DC
Express Lane: Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ
You're too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,
CA.
No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,
CA
and my favorite, and most realistic one ~~~
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles,
you're going to have trouble with it.
Women's restroom Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX
YEAR'S BEST ACTUAL HEADLINES
CRACK FOUND ON GOVERNOR'S DAUGHTER
SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH, EXPERT SAYS
POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS
IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS
IS THERE A RING OF DEBRIS AROUND URANUS
PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE
PANDA MATING FAILS; VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER
TEACHER STRIKES IDLE KIDS
MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH
JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT
WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE
IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY IT MAY LAST AWHILE
COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES
COUPLE SLAIN; POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE
RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGES
TYPHOON RIPS THROUGH CEMETERY; HUNDREDS DEAD
MAN STRUCK BY LIGHTNING FACES BATTERY CHARGE
NEW STUDY OF OBESITY LOOKS FOR LARGER TEST GROUP
ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACECRAFT
KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS
CHEF THROWS HIS HEART INTO HELPING FEED NEEDY
LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUTS CUT IN HALF
HOSPITALS ARE SUED BY 7 FOOT DOCTORS
FAMOUS THOUGHTS
I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But
I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "no
good in a bed, but fine up against a wall". (Eleanor Roosevelt)
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good
ending and having the two as close together as possible. (George
Burns)
Santa Claus has the right idea -- visit people only once a year. (Victor
Borge)
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
(Mark Twain)
My wife is a sex object -- every time I ask for sex, she objects.
(Les Dawson)
By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;
if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. (Socrates)
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (Groucho
Marx)
The male is a domestic animal, which, if treated with firmness
and kindness, can be trained to do most things. (Jilly Cooper)
I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. (Zsa Zsa
Gabor)
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential
food groups: Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. (Alex Levine)
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes
you nothing. It was here first. (Mark Twain)
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop
dying. (Ed Furgol)
Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant
form of misery. (Spike Milligan)
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. (Henny Youngman)
I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer
me the position. (Mark Twain)
'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it; at my age I'm very pleased
to be anywhere. (George Burns)
At my age flowers scare me. (George Burns)
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
(Herbert Henry Asquith)
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and
lie about your age. (Lucille Ball)
I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's
time for my nap. (Bob Hope)
A woman drove me to drink -- and I hadn't even the courtesy to
thank her. (W.C. Fields)
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish
do in it. (W. C. Fields)
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't
remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. (George
Burns)
Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him "Be
fruitful and multiply". But not in those words . . . . . (Woody
Allen)
If only God would give me some sign...a clear sign! Like making
a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. (Selections from the
Allen Notebooks, New Yorker)
Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy
your children will not have you declared legally insane in order
to gain control of your estate. (Woody Allen)
If you want to make GOD Laugh, tell him your future plans. (Woody
Allen)
Those are my principles, if you don't like them; I have others." (Groucho
Marx)
Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever
seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw
that statement. (Mark Twain)
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